A Story About A Child's Grief

Mark

I’ve had the privilege over the past several months of getting to know a special six-year-old boy I’ll call Mark for the purposes of confidentiality. I was sent to visit him because his father had died suddenly of a heart attack in their family room. Mark’s Mom tried to revive her husband and Mark was there. Bereavement visits are a part of North Durham Hospice and I was offered the opportunity to work with him.

Mark had been very close to his father. We started the day off by drawing lots of different faces reflecting his feelings. He wondered when his Dad was coming back, so we talked about what it was like to be dead and how his Dad is still alive in his heart. We started making a memory box so he could remember all the nice times they had together. He was also worried that his Mom might die too. So we talked about being scared and how his Mom was sleeping with him so he wouldn’t be afraid at night.

Mark usually directed our play. We were outside when we could be. His Dad had loved their property, so Mark had lots of good memories of watching the birds and animals and the change of seasons. They had many animals, from small to large: gerbils, fish, cats, dogs. Talking about his animals dying was significant to him.

One of the special days we had was going to the cemetery with his Mom. We had made messages for his Dad which we put into balloons and tied to a tree for him. They visited the grave often and talked to his Dad. Mark had brought lots of special remembrances for his Dad and had drawn him many pictures.

During this period, thanks to the funding from United Way, I was able to go to a one day seminar put on by the Division of Continuing Education at York University. The course on “Death, Loss and Transformation in the Lives of Bereaved Children” gave me strategies to assist Mark in his journey from a place of devastation and loss to one of potential growth and transformation. I learned that childhood grief is a dynamic process that must be revisited with each new developmental stage. I appreciated the resources given to us – videos and books to use with the children, ideas for books for parents, and games and activities to help children express their feelings and concerns.

I still visit Mark every two or three weeks and it’s gratifying to see him settled into a more comfortable routine. He plays soccer and is taking swimming lessons. He showed me the books he reads every night and the blanket and teddy bear which comfort him. But he still talks about his feelings of sadness; he said he is sometimes mad, grumpy, and scared, but he had moments of happiness too. I know this is a life long journey through grief for him and I’m grateful to be a part of it.